Certain things simply arrive in your life at 40, inexplicably and without warning. Friends—the ones you once slept on wooden crates with at festivals, or begged for painkillers from during staff meetings, or who held your coat while you kissed someone named “Climpf” by the speakers—will start downloading bird-identification apps. Women you know—perhaps the same ones who once made you meals consisting entirely of toast, colored in the holes in your tights with a pen, or hid your cigarettes in a tree to share later—will begin watching gardening shows. People from your past—who drove you to the seaside on Friday nights in your twenties to kiss local bartenders and eat chips—will start buying waterproof coats.
One thing people at this stage aren’t expected to do is have a baby—or have another baby, as I did. And yet we do. According to the Office for National Statistics, the average age of mothers in the UK is now 31, and 33.9 for fathers. (In the United States, the average age for first-time mothers was 27.5 in 2023—up about a year from 2016.) For that to be the average, there must be plenty of us in the older bracket pulling that number up. I see Sienna Miller is pregnant with her third child. Congratulations to her—and no, I did not look like that when I was pregnant in my 40s. Last year, I had gray hair, lived in black sweatpants, and gained so much weight in my face that I had to adjust my bike helmet just to see. I wasn’t on the Fashion Awards red carpet in Givenchy, but on the side of the road, rushing to school in the dark for 8:30 a.m. registration.
There is so much to celebrate about being pregnant in your late 30s and 40s. In many ways—both tangible and abstract—I was happier, more confident, more content, and better resourced than I would have been two decades earlier. I knew myself and my body. I had established a career (of sorts). I was in a stable relationship with a man I loved and trusted. I was no longer renting. I had watched many of my friends raise their own children. I felt able to be open and vulnerable when I was struggling and knew where and how to ask for help.
Also—and this is a big thing that rarely gets talked about—I didn’t feel like I was missing out on a formative stage of my life. I had danced in warehouses, lived alone, had flings, stayed up all night working, traveled a bit, gone to great parties, been on the radio, and done all that stuff in my 20s. By the time this pregnancy came around, I was happy to sit at home and eat mashed potatoes with my family. FOMO wasn’t just irrelevant—it was a joke, something to chuckle at as I watched my son read a comic in the bath or turned out the lights at 8:32 p.m.
Of course, having a child early can also be brilliant for your health, career, and long-term ambitions. With my creaky hips, tired eyes, and softening middle, I’m definitely less physically energetic than I was even eight years ago, when I carried my son around London in a sling. By the time my baby starts secondary school, I’ll be in my 50s; I’ll know nothing about youth culture, I’ll have been pushed off social media, and I’ll probably look like some kind of deep-sea hagfish. It makes me think of Jess Phillips, charging through a political career in her 30s, 40s, and 50s precisely because she’d gotten motherhood out of the way early. There’s a lot to be said for that, of course. But then again, when do we ever credit women for making the wise decision to have children young? When was the last time you read a headline like: “Women in their late teens and 20s improve their chances of late-life career satisfaction and physical recovery by having babies before they lose their Young Person’s Railcard”?
The truth is, there is no rightDeciding when to have a child—or another child—means facing criticism, scrutiny, or dismissal at some point, no matter your age. In a way, that’s good practice for the lifetime of judgment that comes with parenting.
But before I finish: so the average age of a mother in England and Wales is 31, is it? Fine. We’re constantly told about women “leaving it later,” “gambling with their fertility,” or “prioritizing their careers”—all the tired clichés that fill the air. But what was that statistic about fathers again? Around 33.9, wasn’t it? Nearly 34. That’s right. The average age of a father in the UK is over two years older than that of mothers, carrying all the same health, career, and social implications that number implies.
If men are becoming fathers later than ever, could we maybe stop fixating on women’s reproductive choices and look into that instead for a change? Please?
Frequently Asked Questions
FAQs The Joys of Having a Baby in Your 40s
General Beginner Questions
Q Is it even safe to have a baby in your 40s
A Yes many women have healthy pregnancies and babies in their 40s Its considered a geriatric pregnancy which means youll receive more monitoring from your doctor to manage any increased risks
Q What are the biggest joys of having a baby later in life
A Common joys include greater emotional maturity financial stability established careers stronger relationships and a deep sense of purpose and appreciation for the experience
Q Dont I need special medical help to get pregnant at this age
A Its common Fertility declines with age so many people in their 40s use assisted reproductive technologies like IVF Consulting a fertility specialist is a recommended first step
Q Will I have enough energy to keep up with a baby
A This is a common concern While energy levels vary many older parents find that their emotional readiness and patience help balance physical demands Prioritizing your health is key
Health Pregnancy Questions
Q What are the main health risks for me and the baby
A Risks include a higher chance of gestational diabetes high blood pressure chromosomal conditions and miscarriage Close prenatal care helps monitor and manage these
Q Are all prenatal tests more important now
A Yes Your doctor will likely recommend more comprehensive genetic screening and diagnostic tests to check the babys health
Q How can I have the healthiest pregnancy possible in my 40s
A Focus on preconception health see your doctor take prenatal vitamins maintain a healthy weight avoid alcoholsmoking and manage stress Regular prenatal care is nonnegotiable
Lifestyle Practical Questions
Q How do I deal with people who think Im too old to be a new parent
A Focus on your own journey and the reasons for your choice Youll likely find a supportive community A simple confident response like Were thrilled and feel ready often suffices
Q Whats it like being an older parent among younger ones at school
A You may feel a generational