Ask yourself who the most famous living psychologist is right now, and you’d probably say Esther Perel. Her podcast, Where Should We Begin?, where she talks to one couple each episode to help them work through a key issue, has hundreds of thousands of listeners. Her two TED Talks—2013’s “The Secret to Desire in a Long-Term Relationship” and 2015’s “Rethinking Infidelity”—have been watched over 40 million times combined. But it’s her 2006 book Mating in Captivity, a New York Times bestseller, that stands out as one of her most defining and frequently referenced works. Released 20 years ago and re-released this month, the book’s main idea is that keeping desire alive in a long-term relationship requires a careful balance between connection and, crucially, separateness.

As someone who’s always been nosy and fascinated by the details of relationships, I’ve long been a fan of Perel’s work. But somehow, I’d never read Mating in Captivity. I wondered: would it still make sense today, in an age of dating apps and AI girlfriends? Would it feel true to me, as a queer woman? And was there even a need to read the book, when so much of Perel’s thinking has become common knowledge for anyone who follows the 67-year-old psychologist—or couples therapy in general?

As it turns out, there’s still a lot to learn from Mating in Captivity in 2026. Its ideas haven’t aged at all—so much so that I had to double-check if I’d gotten the original publication date wrong. So here’s everything I learned about long-term relationships and long-term desire from Perel’s groundbreaking book.

Many of us fall into two camps: “romantics” and “realists”
Perel distinguishes between two types of people. Romantics refuse to live without passion (“They swear they’ll never give up on true love. They’re the eternal seekers, looking for the person with whom desire will never fade”). Realists are at the opposite end (“They say lasting love matters more than great sex, and that passion makes people do foolish things”).

Wherever you fall, Perel says, “both agree on the basic idea that passion cools over time.” As a result, “both are often disappointed, because few people can be happy at either extreme.” Instead, we need to engage in a “never-ending dance between change and stability,” where passion and stability rise and fall over time, not always in perfect sync.

Security and certainty are an illusion
We like to think that in our long-term relationships, we’ve built up a certain level of certainty. That we know our partners inside and out and can predict their behavior. But Perel suggests this is just an illusion. We never know our partners as well as we think we do. “When we trade passion for stability, aren’t we just swapping one fantasy for another?” she asks, pointing out that every relationship carries some risk. And that’s actually a good thing. We need to embrace this uncertainty, because if we want to keep desire alive over time, Perel says, “we must be able to bring a sense of the unknown into a familiar space.”

Good intimacy doesn’t always mean good sex
There’s a widespread belief—both now and when Mating in Captivity came out—that the better a couple’s intimacy (meaning emotional closeness), the better their sex life will be. While that’s true for some couples, Perel argues it’s not true for everyone. “Ironically, what makes for good intimacy doesn’t always make for good sex,” she writes. “It may seem counterintuitive, but in my experience as a therapist, increased emotional intimacy often comes with decreased sexual desire.” Instead, we’d be better off seeing sex and intimacy as a “parallel narrative.”

EveryoneOne should cultivate a “secret garden.” Perel writes a lot about the need to become our own person within a relationship and avoid becoming too merged with our partner—which is a sure way to kill desire over time. “Instead of always striving for closeness, I argue that couples may be better off cultivating their separate selves,” she writes. In our partnerships, “we make love, we share physical space and interests. But ‘essential’ does not mean ‘all.'” In other words, it’s important to develop a sense of self—not just for our own sake, but to keep the spark alive.

Talking isn’t always the answer. We tend to think every relationship problem can be solved by talking it through until we find a solution. But Perel argues that sometimes we talk too much and forget about other ways of communicating—like physical touch or actions. The constant focus on verbal communication, she writes, “minimizes the importance of nonverbal communication: doing nice things for each other, making attentive gestures or sharing projects in a spirit of collaboration.” At a time when we can connect in so many ways, she points out, “we need to honor and recognize the ways we can reach out and touch someone.”

Intimacy isn’t fixed. It would be nice if emotional and physical intimacy in our relationships could be achieved and last forever. But Perel stresses that this isn’t realistic. Instead, she writes, “intimacy isn’t monolithic; nor is it always consistent. It is intermittent, meant to wax and wane even in the best relationships.” While this might sound exhausting, it can actually be freeing. Stages are just stages; a dry spell doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed.

A healthy sex life is good for the kids. In the book, Perel talks about parents who come to her as patients and describe how they give everything to raising their children—playdates, baking, sports. Setting aside time as a couple makes them feel guilty, as if they’re neglecting their kids. But Perel argues that, on the contrary, maintaining a healthy sex life is always a good thing for parenting. “Children who see their primary caregivers at ease expressing their affection (discreetly, within appropriate boundaries) are more likely to embrace sexuality with the healthy combination of respect, responsibility and curiosity it deserves,” she writes. “By censoring our sexuality, curbing our desires, or renouncing them altogether, we hang our inhibitions intact to the next generation.”

Sex doesn’t have to be as politically correct as our everyday lives. In daily life, most of us support equality, condemn violence, and try to live in a way that reflects our values and ethics. And while sex should always be consensual and ethical, of course, the world of fantasy and play allows for a sense of transgression that we might otherwise reject outside of that space. “The poetics of sex are often politically incorrect,” writes Perel, “thriving on power plays, role reversals, unfair advantages, imperious demands, seductive manipulations and subtle cruelties.” This, Perel argues, isn’t something to fear. “I do believe that the emphasis on egalitarian sex—purged of any expressions of power, aggression and transgression—is antithetical to erotic desire for men and women alike.”

Frequently Asked Questions
Here is a list of FAQs based on the eight truths about longterm desire from Esther Perels Mating in Captivity

BeginnerLevel Questions

1 What does Esther Perel mean when she says love and desire dont always go hand in hand
Answer She means that the feelings that make a relationship secure can sometimes actually kill the excitement and mystery that fuel desire You can love someone deeply but not feel sexually drawn to them in the same moment

2 Is it normal to lose desire for my partner even though I still love them
Answer Yes it is very common Perel argues that this is a natural tension in longterm relationships The challenge is not to see it as a sign that the relationship is broken but as a normal part of balancing intimacy with individuality

3 What is the main idea of Mating in Captivity
Answer The main idea is that modern relationships often struggle to balance the need for security with the need for excitement and mystery Desire often requires a sense of space and separateness which can feel threatening to intimacy

Advanced Deeper Questions

4 How can wanting too much closeness actually hurt desire
Answer Desire thrives on a little bit of distance and mystery When a couple becomes completely fusedknowing every thought feeling and schedulethere is no otherness to be curious about Perel says eroticism needs a gap between two people to create tension and anticipation

5 What is the shadow of the third in Perels work
Answer This is the idea that desire often needs a third element to spark it This isnt necessarily another person It can be a shared project a creative passion a sense of play or a part of yourself that your partner doesnt fully know This third thing brings energy and novelty back into the relationship

6 My partner and I have great communication but our sex life is boring Why