It’s easy to judge Carrie Bradshaw for sneaking around with Big while dating Aidan in Sex and the City (or Aidan for cheating on Carrie with his ex-wife years later in And Just Like That…), but real-life infidelity is far more complicated. Nobody wants to be cheated on, and most of us don’t plan to cheat—yet it happens. And while it’s painful, it doesn’t have to mean the end of a relationship.

Below, we break down everything you need to know about cheating—what drives it, how experts like Esther Perel view it, and how to rebuild trust afterward (if that’s what you choose to do). Of course, you’re also fully justified in walking away, Nicole Kidman–post-divorce-papers style.

### How common is cheating?
TV shows might make it seem like everyone’s cheating, but in reality, a 2021 study found that only about 21% of U.S. adults admitted to cheating on a partner (current or past).

### What leads to cheating?
Every relationship is different, but research has identified common reasons people stray. A 2021 study surveyed 495 adults and found eight key motives: anger, low self-esteem, lack of love, weak commitment, craving variety, feeling neglected, sexual desire, or situational factors. (Only a third of cheaters confessed to their partners, with women more likely to admit it than men.)

Couples therapist Naomi Light says the biggest trigger is emotional “disconnection.” She explains: “People cheat when they feel distant from their partner—maybe the relationship has grown stale, communication has broken down, or life has become all about work and kids, leaving little room for intimacy.”

### Is “once a cheater, always a cheater” true?
There might be some truth to it. A 2017 study found that people who cheated in one relationship were three times more likely to do it again in their next one. People can change—but not always.

### What counts as cheating?
It depends on the relationship. Some see cheating as strictly physical or romantic, while others feel betrayed by emotional affairs or even “micro-cheating” (flirty texts, secret crushes). That’s why it’s crucial to discuss boundaries early with a serious partner—better to align expectations before someone gets hurt.

### What if I want to cheat?
Esther Perel explores this on her podcast Where Should We Begin?, speaking with a woman in a happy relationship who’s obsessed with the idea of cheating. Perel’s perspective is nuanced: “Sometimes, when we seek someone else’s attention, it’s not about rejecting our partner—but the version of ourselves we’ve become in the relationship.”

In short, cheating is messy, but understanding the why behind it can help—whether you’re rebuilding or moving on.Looking for another lover is often more about seeking a different version of ourselves.

If you’re struggling with the urge to cheat in your own relationship, I recommend listening to the full episode—just keep in mind that sometimes, the fantasies in our heads stem from past trauma or emotional struggles rather than a real desire to hurt the people we love.

How should I react if I’ve been cheated on?

Finding out your partner has been unfaithful can be devastating. While there’s no “right” or “wrong” way to respond (as long as it’s legal), it may help to know you’re not alone in what you’re feeling. A 2023 study on love and infidelity found that betrayal can trigger intense emotions like anger, betrayal, insecurity, rage, shame, guilt, jealousy, and sadness.

On And Just Like That…, Carrie forgave Aidan for cheating, but they still ended up breaking up soon after. Of course, they’re fictional characters—so don’t let their story dictate your decisions!