When Leonardo DiCaprio—born in 1974—joked in a recent Esquire interview that he “turned emotionally 35 last year,” it got me thinking about the emotional maturity gap I’ve often noticed between my single friends and their potential partners.
Of course, saying all men are emotionally immature (or that all women are more emotionally evolved) is absurd—not to mention it reinforces outdated gender stereotypes. But emotional maturity is tricky. As age-gap relationships often show, the number of years someone has lived doesn’t always match where they are in life—or who they’re attracted to (just look at DiCaprio, famously dating women in their 20s). So let’s break it down:
### What is emotional maturity?
According to Psychology Today, emotionally mature people share three key traits:
1. They take responsibility for their feelings, reactions, and life choices.
2. They can empathize with themselves and others at the same time.
3. They speak honestly, even when it’s difficult.
This doesn’t mean they never lose their temper—just that they’re willing to acknowledge mistakes, especially when their actions hurt others. It echoes Joan Didion’s 1961 definition of self-respect: “Character—the willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life—is the source from which self-respect springs.”
### Pop culture’s emotionally immature characters
Think of Girls’ Hannah Horvath, the struggling 20-something writer, and her equally deluded friends. Or How I Met Your Mother’s Barney Stinson, the stunted womanizer who still had growing up to do by the series’ end. Even Sex and the City’s Carrie Bradshaw wasn’t exactly a model of emotional maturity (remember her throwing a McDonald’s meal at the wall over Mr. Big?). But by And Just Like That…, she’s finally taken charge of her own happiness.
### The risks of dating someone less emotionally mature
Clinical psychologist Nick Wignall warns that emotionally immature partners may struggle with vulnerability, avoid new experiences, or fear being alone with their thoughts. They might also insist on having the last word. While we all slip into these behaviors sometimes, a pattern of them can strain a relationship.
### Can you become more emotionally mature?
Yes—though it takes time. A 2011 NIH study found that emotional well-being tends to improve with age, but practices like mindfulness, journaling, and setting boundaries can also help.
### Where to learn more
For understanding how upbringing shapes emotional maturity, Lindsay Gibson’s Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents is a great read. If you’re curious about how emotional maturity differs from traits like intelligence or kindness, try Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves.