When Vogue first asked me to write about everything I learned about dating in 2025, I have to admit I hesitated. Re-entering the dating world after a 13-year relationship felt like being Sigourney Weaver in the Alien movies: I woke up from a long sleep to find the ship haunted, possibly cursed, and I wasn’t sure if I could trust any of the men on board—or if they were secretly harboring a chest parasite.

Nevertheless, I dove in like someone who was last single around the Stone Age, and I discovered there was a lot to learn. More broadly, it seems like there’s a widespread feeling that something has gone terribly wrong with modern dating. Call it heterofatalism or heteropessimism, blame dating app fatigue or late-stage capitalism, or just point the finger at men—nobody seems happy right now. Maybe it’s the gloomy weather. Or maybe it’s the serious lack of Christmas romantic comedies (get it together, Netflix). Either way, I kept going. Here are my main takeaways from the past year.

Dating is content now

Dating used to be a somewhat private activity between two people, only done in groups by the very brave or the polyamorous. Now, it’s impossible to separate dating from consuming it as content, whether through Instagram galleries of top date spots in London or, heaven forbid, endless relationship advice on TikTok. Dating as a concept is now dissected in endless rounds of discussion, all neatly packaged and sealed with a kiss outside the Spurstowe Arms (once described to me as “the closest thing to a straight darkroom in Hackney”).

I used to watch the explosion of dating content with curious amusement. Now that I’m in the game myself, I actually think it’s working against us. After all, is there anything that kills desire faster than overanalyzing it? As Jemima Kirke once famously said, “I think you guys might be thinking about yourselves too much.” And while I appreciate some of these content creators, I personally don’t believe you should take dating advice from a fresh-faced, 27-year-old dating coach from Missouri. Give me the seasoned wisdom of someone in their 50s or 60s; give me Esther Perel and Orna Guralnik; give me someone with at least a postgraduate certificate in relationship counseling. Just because they’re young and attractive doesn’t mean you should get into bed with them—and the same goes for taking their relationship advice.

Questions are overrated

TikTok would also have you believe that a good date is all about someone asking you questions and dutifully listening to your answers. As someone who does this for a living (see British Vogue’s December cover story!), I’m here to tell you that this is a highly overrated dating tactic.

Unless I’m trying to hack your bank account, I don’t want to walk away from a date knowing your star sign, your mother’s profession, and the name of your pet goldfish. I want to leave feeling like we’ve had a conversational rally—like that sparkling scene in When Harry Met Sally where Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal walk through Central Park in the fall, bouncing off each other like two tipsy Ping-Pong balls. That’s called chemistry. Dates shouldn’t feel like manual data entry; they’re meant to test the natural, spontaneous connection between two people. If you need a TikTok dating coach’s list of questions to keep the conversation going, they’re probably not right for you. Sorry!

Girls aren’t better than boys

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard straight women say wistfully lately, “If only I were gay…” Bad news, ladies: queer women can be just as difficult as straight men. As a bisexual person, I’ve been just as unapologetically ghosted and negged by women, including one Hinge match who WhatsApp-ed me for two and a half weeks—mostly to criticize my choiceHe invited me to a string of club nights—then left me on read when I asked to grab a drink. Maybe the whole crisis of heterofatalism would ease if lesbians and straight women compared notes more often. If you think a love-bombing man who’s already introducing you to his parents moves too fast, try dating a U-haul lesbian with a Zipcar membership.

They’re not bad people—they’re just not for you.
Most of us suffer from main-character syndrome, especially when it comes to dating. If you’re the star of your own movie, every bad date feels like a battle against evil—embodied by someone like Jake, 34, who’s into small plates and just got back from Mexico.

That’s an exhausting way to meet people, and it sets you up to doubt their intentions from the start. Here’s some of the wisest advice I’ve ever received, from a friend who’s been in the dating trenches for years: Jake (or whoever) isn’t a bad person—he’s just not for you. So what if boring Adam from Bain Capital is “monogam-ish” and doesn’t see kids in his future, even at 42? Somewhere out there is a woman—maybe a yoga instructor in her 20s from Clapham—who’s perfect for this infuriating man-child. It’s just not you. And that’s okay.

A sense of humor goes a long way.
Optimism is in short supply among singles, and I’d never suggest forcing yourself into toxic positivity (have you read that piece about embarrassing boyfriends?). But adopting an “in it for the craic” attitude toward dating can be a lifesaver—for your sanity, if nothing else.

I’m in a sprawling London WhatsApp group where women share dating war stories and plan nights out. I’ve noticed everyone falls into two rough categories: those who see every awful Hinge profile as proof the dating world is even more messed up than they thought, and those who can laugh it off. If dating is about hoping against experience, I’d rather stay in the second camp.

Trauma-dumping isn’t a form of connection.
Maybe it’s a queer thing, or maybe I just have one of those faces that says, “Tell me the wildest thing that’s ever happened to you,” but I’ve left first dates feeling like I’ve learned incredibly intimate details—only to realize I mistook over-the-top candor for real connection. Really, we just sat across from each other talking about being bullied as kids.

Maybe being part of an over-therapied generation primes us to spill our childhood trauma at the first hint of interest, but I don’t think it’s always a good idea to reveal everything. A little mystery is alluring. Save the family secrets for at least the third date.

Frequently Asked Questions
FAQs Everything I Learned About Dating in 2025

Q1 Whats the biggest difference between dating now and dating a few years ago
A The focus has shifted from frantic searching to conscious connecting Its less about swiping through endless profiles to find the one and more about using dating as a practice to better understand yourself and build genuine connections regardless of the immediate outcome

Q2 What does connecting with yourself have to do with dating
A Everything The idea is that you cant build a healthy connection with someone else if youre not connected to your own needs boundaries and values Dating in 2025 often starts with selfreflection so you know what youre truly looking for and what you have to offer

Q3 So is the goal still to find a longterm partner
A It can be but its not the only valid goal The goal is now seen as meaningful connection This could lead to a life partner a shortterm relationship a deep friendship or simply a great conversation that teaches you something new The pressure for every date to be the one is gone

Q4 This sounds nice but isnt it just giving up on finding love
A Not at all Its about removing desperation and anxiety from the process By focusing on the quality of the connection in the present moment you actually become more authentic and attractive Youre more likely to recognize and attract compatible partners when youre not forcing it

Q5 What does this look like in practice on a first date
A Less interrogation more curiosity Instead of running through a checklist you might ask questions like Whats something youre unlearning lately or What does a perfect Tuesday look like for you Its about sharing experiences and seeing how you feel together

Q6 How do I deal with dating apps if the focus is on genuine connection
A Use them as introduction tools not validation machines Be more selective with your swipes based on profile substance Move conversations to a video call or inperson meeting quickly Use prompts that reveal personality not just looks And most importantly take regular breaks to avoid burnout