Olivia has been with her boyfriend for eight years. They’ve lived together for six, share a dog, and are on the same health insurance plan. But there’s no ring. No surprise trips to romantic places where she could get a subtle pink manicure. No hint of a ring box in his pocket on a regular date night.
Recently at dinner, I asked her on impulse, “Do you think he’ll propose soon?” I didn’t mean to put her on the spot—I just care. And, admittedly, I can be a bit of a menace.
She looked down at her plate, her cheeks turning pink. “He’d better,” she said. “Or it’s over.”
Our friends have started getting engaged, one after another, in a slow, self-satisfied parade. There we are, clapping and smiling, while secretly calculating how long they’ve been together—usually less than Olivia’s eight-year wait. It feels unfair in that universally annoying way that aging and comparison always do.
Later that night, I trudged back to my apartment and collapsed into bed under my pink sheets. I thought about my own situation compared to Olivia’s: sure, she isn’t engaged yet, but at least she goes home to someone. Then I picked up my laptop and turned it on, settling into my usual blue-light-and-Reddit routine. I ended up on a subreddit called Waiting to Wed, described as a forum “for anyone waiting on a proposal or a wedding for any reason.” (Diplomatic, and tragic.)
Scroll for just five minutes, though, and its real tone becomes clear. The people there are stuck in emotional limbo—some hopeful, others exhausted, many quietly realizing they’re waiting for something that may never come.
One of the first posts I clicked was titled, “How to stop hating him and yourself?”—so, you know, light bedtime reading. A woman wrote about spending five years with a man who kept saying he was “gonna” propose. “Gonna” turned out to be a placeholder, an emotional I.O.U. he’d offer whenever she got close to leaving. “It was what he felt he had to say to not lose me,” she explained.
I stared at the screen, imagining Olivia across town, probably brushing her teeth next to the man she hopes will someday wake up and choose her. And then there was me—lying in bed, doom-scrolling through strangers’ heartbreak.
The Waiting to Wed subreddit, which I’m now hooked on, is basically a graveyard of the same story told a thousand different ways:
“Five years living together, no ring, no ambition.”
“Is it worth staying if one person will always compromise on marriage?”
“Eleven years together and still no ring…”
“My boyfriend is totally fine wasting both our time?”
Scrolling through it feels like eavesdropping on the group chat of every woman who’s ever spiraled in the shower at 2 a.m. Underneath all the anecdotes and heartbreak, there’s a glaring gender imbalance that’s impossible to ignore. In many heterosexual relationships—yes, even in 2025—men still control the proposal timeline. They decide when they’re “ready,” whatever that means, and the woman just… waits, all while twisting herself into knots to seem patient, cool, and understanding. If you want to marry before having children, though, there’s a timeline, whether you like it or not. Waiting has consequences—both biological and emotional. Time becomes a currency, and suddenly everyone is charging interest.
Although rare, and not something I’ve seen in my own circle, I’ve come across a few examples online of women proposing to men. Recently, I saw a TikTok of a woman who had been with her boyfriend for 14 years and finally decided to propose to him herself.
The comments were full of genuine distress. “You could not waterboard me into proposing to a man,” one person wrote. Another said, “He hasn’t proposed because HE DOESN’T WANT TO.” Strangers demanded to know where her friends and family were, anyone who might have staged an intervention.
Historically, men have done the proposing because marriage was…Marriage was never just about romance; it was about power and property. Men were expected to be providers, and proposing showed they had the financial stability and social standing to take a wife. Women, on the other hand, were essentially transferred from one household to another through marriage. In that light, a proposal wasn’t a mutual choice—it was an offer backed by resources and authority. Women didn’t propose because they had no say in shaping the future they were entering.
That history still lingers. I just turned thirty. I’ve never been engaged. I’ve had a few serious relationships, and only one where I could truly imagine building a life together—house, kids, shared everything. I’m not panicking, but I am… conscious of it. Thirty is an age where time seems to stretch. Waiting in your twenties feels open, exploratory, forgiving. Waiting in your thirties feels more like bargaining with the future.
So, how long is too long to wait?
Here’s the hard but freeing truth: there’s no magic number. Five years might be too long in one relationship and just right in another. Two years can feel like forever to someone who knows what they want, or way too soon for someone whose parents can’t stand each other. I’ve seen friends wait five, seven, ten years—chunks of their twenties and early thirties—only to end up angry at themselves for treating time as if it were endless. And I’ve seen others leave too soon, later realizing their partner wasn’t unwilling, just not ready.
So many people aren’t waiting out of patience, but out of hope. They wait because the alternative means losing the relationship, uprooting the life they’ve spent years building, and starting over at an age when society says you should already be settled and skilled at arranging cheese boards.
The real question haunting the forums isn’t How long should I wait? It’s, How do I know this will ever happen for me? And beneath that: Why does my partner get to decide the timeline of my life?
Ultimatums get a bad reputation, but there’s a real difference between a threat and stating your needs. Telling someone you love, “I need a plan for our future,” isn’t dramatic—it’s mature. It’s the bare minimum for two adults who are already committed in every other meaningful way.
There’s no universal rule, but maybe the real question isn’t How long is too long to wait? but, If I stopped hoping for a proposal tomorrow, would I still want to be here today?
If the answer is no, then babe… what are you waiting for?
Frequently Asked Questions
FAQs How Long Should You Wait for a Marriage Proposal
Beginner General Questions
Q Is there a normal or standard timeline for getting engaged
A Theres no universal timeline It varies greatly by couple culture and individual circumstances However many couples date for 23 years before getting engaged but this is just a common average not a rule
Q How do I know if were both on the same page about marriage
A The only way to know is through open honest conversations Discuss your future goals values and timelines directly Dont assume youre thinking the same thing
Q What are the signs my partner is serious about a future together
A Look for actions not just words Signs include integrating you into their longterm plans introducing you as a permanent part of their life to friendsfamily and showing consistent effort to build a shared life
Q Should I give my partner an ultimatum
A Ultimatums are generally not healthy Instead have a serious nonconfrontational conversation about your needs and timelines An ultimatum may force a decision but not necessarily a genuine lasting commitment
Timeline Factors
Q Does living together affect the proposal timeline
A It can but not always predictably For some cohabitation is a step toward marriage for others its an alternative Its crucial to discuss what living together means for your relationships progression
Q How long is too long to wait without a proposal
A Too long is when your personal timeline and needs are being consistently ignored or dismissed by your partner despite clear communication If youve been ready for years and your partner remains vague or avoidant it may be time to reevaluate the relationships future
Q Do age and life stage matter
A Absolutely People in their early 20s often date longer before engagement than those in their 30s who are more settled Life goals like finishing school establishing a career or financial stability often influence the timeline
Q What if my partner says theyre not ready but cant explain why
A This often indicates a deeper uncertaintyeither about marriage in general the relationship or their