As a former nanny who still babysits, I try to keep up with parenting trends, and gentle parenting is one that comes up a lot—both its pros and cons. I’m not a parent myself, so take my doubts about the movement’s avoidance of punishment with a grain of salt. But for me, nothing has enriched me or prepared me for the “real world” more than having a mom who was ever-so-slightly mean.
To be clear, there’s a big difference between being mean and being unkind. My mom has always been deeply kind—celebrating my wins and making time for my woes, whether I sprained my finger rollerblading at eight or got dumped by text at 28. But she’s also a tough crowd. She’s the daughter of an Italian and Russian-Jewish mother who grew up hiding in a Catholic orphanage in Rome, and she raised her four kids never to feel too good or confident about themselves.
If you’ve ever met my mom at a party—she’s worked in journalism for decades and co-founded Air Mail with Graydon Carter in 2019—and complimented me, you’ve probably gotten an eye-roll and a sharp comment about my flaws. She thinks it’s in bad taste to brag publicly about your kids. Did that hurt? Sure, until I saw it as a form of self-deprecation by proxy. She saw me as an extension of herself, and she’d never accept praise for her own accomplishments without a witty dismissal and a question about the person giving it. (Besides, my Jewish dad is more than happy to brag about me at parties, so I’m covered both ways.)
My mother wasn’t a Tiger Mom. She never came down hard on my grades (a good thing, given my academic flops) and was pretty relaxed about chores (I still don’t own a vacuum—red flag, I know). But how I carried myself mattered a lot to her. She wasn’t obsessed with perfect manners, but she always emphasized listening and drawing people out. “Always talk to the person who’s standing alone at the party,” she’d say.
As a teen, I grumbled about her quirks. Why did my friends’ moms hand out empty praise and Oreos while mine would raise an eyebrow at my outfit and say something mildly devastating (but funny) as I left, glass of white wine in hand? I’d get annoyed at her insistence on politeness, wanting to join in social exclusion, but always hearing her voice in my head asking who I was to leave anyone out.
Now, as an adult, I couldn’t value her unorthodox style more. Thanks to her, I’ve been able to hold my own at dinner parties since sixth grade—very Whit Stillman—and, more importantly, I know when to shut up and ask questions, whether I’m reporting a story, on a first date, or riding the bus in LA. “Everybody is interesting about something; you just have to figure out what,” she once told me. Isn’t that a lesson more kids should learn?
Did my mom make mistakes? Of course. After 15 years of seeing other families’ dynamics, I’ve learned that the only constant of parenthood is that you’ll mess up somehow, probably in unexpected ways. Now that I’m 32 and living across the country, my mom and I talk on the phone almost every day.I call my mom every day, for as long as she’ll indulge me, to gather story ideas, dating advice, and memories of what it was like to party at Dan Tana’s in 1983.
I don’t know if I’ll have children, or even what my life will look like in a few months. But if I do become a mother, I don’t want to feel pressured to soften the world for my kids. Instead, I’d want to prepare them to face it with humor and empathy. After all, that’s what my mother has always done for me.
Frequently Asked Questions
FAQs In Praise of Having a Slightly Tough Mom
Beginner Definition Questions
1 What exactly is a slightly tough mom
A slightly tough mom is a parent who balances love and high expectations She isnt harsh or unloving but she prioritizes teaching resilience independence and accountability over constant comfort or immediate approval
2 How is this different from being a tiger mom or just a strict parent
The key difference is balance and intent A tiger mom often focuses intensely on achievement and obedience A slightly tough mom focuses on building character and life skills Her toughness is a tool for teaching not an end goal itself
3 Isnt being tough just another word for being unsupportive
No A slightly tough mom is deeply supportive but her support looks like preparing you for the real world Its the difference between fixing your problem for you and giving you the tools to fix it yourself
Benefits Outcomes
4 What are the main benefits of having this kind of mom
Children often develop stronger resilience better problemsolving skills higher selfreliance a solid work ethic and the ability to handle criticism and setbacks without falling apart
5 Does this parenting style damage the parentchild bond
Not when done with love In fact it can strengthen trust and respect in the long run Kids learn their mom believes in their capabilities which is a powerful form of love
6 Can a dad be a slightly tough mom too
Absolutely The concept isnt genderspecific Its a parenting approach that any primary caregiver can adopta slightly tough parent who emphasizes resilience and accountability
Common Problems Misconceptions
7 What if it just feels like criticism and never feels like praise
This is a common pitfall The slightly tough approach must be paired with genuine specific praise for effort and perseverance not just results The balance between challenge and celebration is crucial
8 How do you avoid crossing the line into being overly harsh or dismissive
The litmus test is the childs emotional safety A slightly tough mom corrects behavior or pushes for better effort but she doesnt attack the childs character She separates the deed from the doer