Remember that house you bought from a fisherman back in 1998? (Well, not exactly his house—you tore down that tiny two-bedroom shack the moment the sale was final.) Now, after finishing a bottle of rosé in your sleek modern mansion, you complain about how TikTokers obsessed with Surf Lodge have ruined Montauk.

Sag Harbor
Adam thought you were crazy for paying $2.8 million for a 992-square-foot house in Sag Harbor Village. But he just didn’t get your vision: Ken Fulk interiors that scream Pierre Frey! An Edmund Hollander garden overflowing with hydrangeas! Shutters not just any blue—Farrow & Ball’s Hague Blue!

“Like the international war crimes court?” Adam asks, confused.

“Do you want to increase the value of this place or not?” you snap back.

“Sorry, darling. I’m not great with all this… aesthetic stuff,” Adam says. “You’re right. Maybe in a few years we can sell it for three million and upgrade to something bigger in the East End. Let’s talk about it over martinis at the American Hotel later?”

You kiss him on the cheek. The second he turns away, you quickly toss a stack of bills in the trash. No need for him to know you’ve already sunk $3.5 million into this place.