Did I do something embarrassing? Why did I say that? Why did I act that way? These thoughts have become my usual mental soundtrack after social gatherings in recent years.
In the past, my social anxiety would flare up before or during social situations. But lately, I’ve noticed that while I feel relaxed before meeting friends and genuinely enjoy my time with them, the anxiety hits once I’m back home. I start picking apart my behavior, obsessing over anything I think was awkward. It’s a miserable cycle—like a hangover of regret after socializing.
Reflecting after social interactions isn’t inherently bad, says Amanda di Bartolomeo, Ph.D., a Los Angeles-based clinical psychologist who specializes in social anxiety. Being part of a community means learning from and adjusting how we interact with others. But if your reflection only involves replaying the awkward moments and fueling shame or self-criticism, it becomes unproductive, says Janeé Steele, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in Kalamazoo, Michigan.
Both psychologists describe this as post-event rumination. According to Steele, it’s “the process of obsessively replaying and analyzing a social situation after it’s over, usually focusing on perceived mistakes or awkward moments.”
She adds: “If you keep thinking about the interaction long after it’s done, if those thoughts disrupt your mood or daily life, if they make you avoid future social situations, or if they interfere with your ability to focus on other things, that’s a sign you’ve crossed into rumination.”
Post-event rumination is linked to social anxiety disorder, which affects about 7.1% of U.S. adults, compared to generalized anxiety disorder’s 3.1%. However, not everyone with social anxiety experiences this kind of rumination, Steele notes.
Why do some people ruminate after social events?
People with social anxiety often fear negative judgment or embarrassment in social settings, Steele and di Bartolomeo explain. In these situations, the brain may try to protect you by anticipating potential pitfalls or scanning for “evidence” of mistakes.
Steele compares post-event rumination to overpreparing—picking apart every interaction to identify what “went wrong” so you can avoid repeating it. Personally, part of me believes that dwelling on embarrassing moments will ingrain the shame, making me less likely to repeat the same mistakes.
Di Bartolomeo adds that some people may feel their anxiety symptoms temporarily ease when they ruminate—a trick of the brain that makes them feel like they’re “doing something” about their anxiety.
How can you manage post-event rumination?
1. Recognize it as unhelpful
When you catch yourself ruminating, pause and label it as unproductive. Remind yourself that dwelling on these thoughts only reinforces distress, says Steele.
If you try to justify rumination as a way to “prepare” for next time, remember that constant self-criticism and fear of judgment make it harder to stay present in future interactions. When you’re not fully engaged with others, socializing becomes even more difficult.Overthinking things often backfires, making social interactions feel awkward and difficult. Constantly criticizing yourself can also lead to avoiding social situations, which stops you from developing the skills needed to handle them, explains Steele.
So, how can you stop this habit when it happens? Simply saying, “I’m overthinking right now,” can be powerful, says Steele. It helps you recognize the pattern and decide how to move forward.
### 2. Look at the situation objectively, like a scientist
Another way to break the cycle is to examine embarrassing or imperfect moments more objectively. Di Bartolomeo suggests asking yourself three questions:
– What evidence shows I actually messed up socially?
– What other reasons could explain the other person’s reaction?
– What evidence proves I didn’t mess up?
Take time to write down your answers or say them out loud. Keeping a written note or voice memo can help remind you of the facts when overthinking starts again.
### 3. Distract yourself to break the cycle
Shift your focus to something you enjoy. Di Bartolomeo recommends cutting off the overthinking by engaging in an activity that absorbs your attention—whether it’s reading, watching a favorite movie, painting, baking, running, calling a sibling, or even cleaning. Ideally, choose something that physically takes you out of the environment where you were stuck in your thoughts.
### 4. Seek professional help if needed
If you’ve tried these strategies without improvement, Di Bartolomeo and Steele recommend seeing a therapist who specializes in social anxiety. They can provide additional tools to help you manage overthinking.